Waking Up
by Selvanic
Summary: Gonou tried to die. But he was saved. And his ensuing recovery is more than physical. Rated for implied violence and 58. No smut, sorry.


_Ok. In all honesty, I had this done yesterday. Like...by noon or something. But I tried to make it longer. I tried to give it several parts. I wrote four different versions that continued off of where this one ends. AND THEY ALL FAILED! I hated them ALL! So this is it. This is all you get. Feh. Sorry, but it's true. I. Fail. At. Saiyuki. Fanfics. Only if there's large amounts of dialogue. NO TALKING FOR YOU! ....I'll stop now. Sorry for this. _

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I don't know how long I've been here, or how many times I've drifted in and out of consciousness. Who's to say when I am or am not awake? How can I tell? All I can rely on is when I can see, and when I can't. And when I can see, I see him without fail.

Every time I open my eyes, he's there, watching me. There's always a small furrow in his brow, a quiet display of concern. He's always watching me with such care. But when he sees that my eyes are open, that I'm looking back at him – however tiredly –, he'll smile. And I smile back before I can realize I am. Maybe I'm trying to reassure him. Or maybe…he just makes me smile.

I woke, once, and he wasn't there. I couldn't see him. I thought, perhaps, I'd been moved. Or I was waking to another consciousness. But he was back quickly, all but stumbling into my range of vision as if he'd known I was awake. I remember laughing. And I remember how happy he looked when I did.

I've been able to keep my eyes open for longer periods now. I no longer slip into darkness after so little time 'awake'. I've had conversations with him, brief and generally meaningless, usually revolving around the time of day, the state of the weather, or how I'm feeling at the time. And yet, no matter how menial the topic, how short our answers, I find I take quite a bit of enjoyment from these interactions. And the thought frightens me at the same time.

Do I have any right to be happy? I was supposed to die. He assures me I haven't. But I was _supposed to_. I'd gone out, fallen down, and resigned myself to it. I'd wanted it. I'd longed for it. I knew that she would be there, that she was waiting for me. If I died, I would be able to hold her again, kiss her, touch her…We'd be together again. The rain on my body had felt soothing. I felt that it would clean me, would wash away the sins, the blood, and I would be pure for her. So when my eyes finally closed, I smiled. But the darkness hadn't lasted. And I'd woken up here. I'd been confused, until I saw him. I remembered his unique hair. I remembered those eyes. Both of them a stunning red. So he had saved me. He hadn't just walked by. And yet, for all that I want to curse him, hate him, I can't. I don't know why…

"You hungry?"

He's talking. I must have stopped listening at some point. How rude of me.

I smile politely and shake my head, though the motion still makes me dizzy to some extent. "No, I'm alright. Thank you."

I watch his eyebrows tick before he stills them, an involuntary display of disagreement for what I've said. "You haven't eaten since you got up, you know that right?"

I can't help but laugh. Of course I know. I'm the one who hasn't been eating. But I don't vocalize such things. I simply maintain my smile and repeat my answer. "I'm alright."

"You're not trying to die on me, are you?"

My smile falters, the corners of my mouth tugged down for a brief moment before I force the mask back in place. Is that what I'm doing? Perhaps it is. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be without her. But this man…He's done so much for me already. It would be rather cruel of me to die in his bed… "No. I'm simply not hungry. I'll tell you when I am."

His hand is extended, hovering over my own. "Shake on it."

"What?"

"Give me your word and shake my hand. That way I know you're not shitting me."

I blink in muted surprise. I didn't expect this. But, again, my body seems to react to him before my mind has any input. I'm saying words I didn't think, and my hand is on his. "Alright then, I promise."

He grins in response to this and gives my hand a curt but firm shake. "There you go. I'm going to hold you to that."

Now why did I do that? Why would I give my word to someone I barely know? Why would I promise to tell him such things when the greater part of me is still set on joining her? This world has nothing for me. The next has everything. But when he smiles…I find I don't believe that.

Sighing softly, I close my eyes and relax as much of the tension out of my limbs as I can. "You should eat," I mutter softly, "You're always sitting there…" And I drift away to the sound of his smiling laughter, the darkness behind my closed eyes seeming somehow lighter.

_End_


End file.
